6-Brain Candy

DON (CONT’D)

And now I’d like to introduce you to our first lucky resident.

Another curtain opens and Mrs. Hurdicure is in a bed with her son and daughter-in-law standing beside her bed.

SON:

There, there, there old darling.

ALICE:

It’s Mrs. Hurdicure!

RAYMOND:

Well, what a wonderful visit we’re having to Roritor’s new comatoriam, where my mother will be cared for, washed, and read to.

RAYMOND’S WIFE:

We envy her.

RAYMOND: Yes we do, but we’ll settle for this cashier’s cheque for $10,000.

Everyone APPLAUDS.

RAYMOND (CONT’D)

Which is what families will receive

if a lucky loved one goes to a better place.

RAYMOND AND WIFE Their happiest memory!

Natalie is dressed as a reporter; she stands up.

NATALIE:

Wow. That’s a lot of money. How pleasing.

Everyone APPLAUDS.

CHRIS:

Wait! That’s not what I invented the drug for!

I mean, does she look happy?

Everyone looks at her. She has a big smile on her face.

EVERYONE:

Yes.

CHRIS:

O.K., granted she looks happy,

but people are supposed to be depressed sometimes.

I invented the drug for people too depressed to get off the floor,

not because you missed the bus

or because you don’t look good in a yellow hat.

Chris passes by a girl in a yellow hat and she, hurt, takes it off.

CHRIS (CONT’D)

That’s just wrong!

ALICE:

Tell them, Chris!

CHRIS:

I mean without his pain and sadness

could Van Gogh have painted all that stuff?

Chris points to a really cheesy painting.

CHRIS (CONT’D)

I know that’s not an actual Van Gogh

but still my point is you can’t be happy all the time!

That’s life! Take it back!

Everyone CHEERS.

DON:

You know, those words hurt

but of course you must realize that

they come from a man who’s gone mad with depression.

Unfortunately, it happens to some of our greatest geniuses.

People like Oppenheimer, Switzer, Boxcar Willie.

And that’s why today we’re especially sad to announce

that Dr. Chris Cooper has, in fact, been found certifiably depressed.

What does that mean again, Cisco?

CISCO:

Legally, he’s gotta take his own drug.

DON:

Oh, yeah, right.

Two security guards walk up beside Chris.

DON (CONT’D)

Marv!

Marv walks up holding a plate of pills.

Don picks one up.

DON (CONT’D)

Please, Chris. We want you to try and remember

we’re only doing this because we love you.

CHRIS:

If the pill is so safe, Don,

why don’t you take it?

Everyone SHOUTS out assorted “yeah’s”.

ALICE:

Yeah, why don’t you take it?

SIMON:

Sh!

DON:

Well, you know, uh, I have absolutely no problem with that,

in fact I’m actually quite fond of the drug,

and if a demonstration is what is needed, so be it. Marv?

MARV:

Yes, Don?

DON:

Take the drug.

MARV:

(A BEAT) Of course, Don.

Marv takes a pill and swallows it.

CUT TO:

81           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – OFFICE KITCHEN           81

Marv’s happiest memory: He’s in an office kitchen, waiting for a guy to pee in Don’s coffee mug.

DON (O.S.)

(yelling) Is that cappuccino ever going to be ready

or do I need to come in there

and grind the beans with your head?

MARV:

Just warming it up, Don.

(to the guy) What is taking you so long?

GUY:

Stop-stop staring at me.

Marv turns around. A peeing noise is heard and Marv takes the cup.

MARV:

Coming, Don.

CUT TO:

82           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – PRESS ROOM 82

Marv has a funny expression on his face.

DON:

Well, uh, there you have it.

Uh, I’ve done my part, we’ve taken the drug,

and now it’s your turn, Dr. Cooper.

ALICE:

Chris!

Don moves in towards Chris.

DON

(pill in hand) Oh, come on, Chris. Open.

CHRIS:

(mouth closed, shaking his head) Mm-mm!

Don plugs Chris’s nose and when he is forced to take a breath, Don shoves the pill in his mouth. Chris pretends to swallow. Chris smiles, then grabs Don’s crotch. While Don is yelling, he spits the pill he supposedly swallowed into Don’s mouth. Don starts choking and eventually swallows.

DON:

Oh dear.

CUT TO:

83           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM              83

Don’s happiest memory: He’s sitting in his chair in the board room reading a Drug Variety. Marv hands him a cappuccino.

DON:

You know, it’s the little things in life

that make it worthwhile.

Don takes a sip of his cappuccino. Marv looks like he’s about to crack up.

DON (CONT’D)

Good coffee, Marv.

CUT TO:

84           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – PRESS ROOM 84

Don has a funny look on his face and takes off his shoes.

DON:

Slipped off my shoes.

Don starts to do some weird dancing. The press crowds around and takes pictures. Chris takes off running.

CUT TO:

85           EXT. CITY STREET             85

The Cabbie is driving through a parade.

CABBIE (V.O.)

So, did they listen to Dr. Cooper

and stop taking the drug?

No, they did not, god dammit.

Today they even have parades to celebrate the comas

and they drag out the poor bastards

like they’re fucking astronauts.

I don’t like the world now. I mean,

before I always knew I was a son of a bitch

but now I’m the only son of a bitch I know.

The Cabbie honks his horn.

CABBIE (CONT’D)

Hey! Make way for a real human being!

Get out of the way!

He runs over someone blocking his path and turns onto an empty street.

CABBIE (V.O.)

(CONT’D) As for Dr. Cooper,

well, some say he joined a Kiss cover band

and rocks three nights a week in some chicken bar

and still, others say, and I hope this is true, –

The camera pans down to a secret laboratory.

86           INT. SECRETY LABORATORY         86

CABBIE (V.O.)

– that he is out there, somewhere,

working on a cure for all this stupid happiness.

Simon, Chris and Alice walk up to Mrs. Hurdicure sitting in a chair.

CHRIS:

Easy, easy.

Alice is about to give Mrs. Hurdicure a pill.

CHRIS (CONT’D)

Alice, wait. I just wanna say

we’ve worked very hard.

ALICE:

We have.

CHRIS:

Under some difficult circumstances.

SIMON:

Oh yeah.

CHRIS:

And I’m very confident that this new drug

will unlock her unhappiest memory.

SIMON:

Yeah, but Chris, that’s what you said

about the drug we tested on Baxter.

They all look at Baxter who is doing a funny little dance and has a weird look on her face. She looks like a dancing, rabid rodent.

CHRIS:

O.K. then, let’s get at it.

ALICE:

Open wide, Mrs. Hurdicure.

That’s a good girl.

Mrs. Hurdicure takes the pill and swallows it. She then bolts up in her chair.

CHRIS:

Mrs. Hurdicure, how do you feel?

MRS. HURDICURE

(crying) Sad.

ALICE:

She’s depressed!

SIMON:

She’s sad. She’s sad.

CHRIS:

Yes! Yes! Yes!

The scientists throw up their papers and start hugging each other and dancing around. Simon goes over to Baxter.

SIMON:

Baxter, we did it!

Baxter hugs Simon, then starts humping his leg.

SIMON (CONT’D)

No! No! No, Baxter! No!

ALICE:

She sad!

Alice and Chris look at each other.

ALICE (CONT’D)

Oh, Chris.

They lean in to kiss.

CHRIS:

No, Alice. We just depressed one old lady.

We got a whole world to bum out.

ALICE:

It can wait.

They kiss.

Close up on Mrs. Hurdicure crying.

CUT TO:

87           EXT. ICE RINK     87

Mrs. Hurdicure is with her grandchild, MIGUEL.

MRS. HURDICURE:

O.K., Miguel. I’ve got a surprise for you

so keep your eyes closed.

Don’t peek, O.K.? O.K.!

Open your eyes!

She hands him a whole bunch of orange helium balloons.

MIGUEL:

Wow! Thanks grandma!

MRS. HURDICURE:

Happy birthday, Miguel.

Ya look adorable.

Let me get a picture of ya.

Boy oh boy. This’ll be grand.

She walks away to take a picture and Miguel starts to float away.

MIGUEL:

Woah!

MRS. HURDICURE

Miguel! Miguel! Miguel! Oh no!

She runs after him.

MRS. HURDICURE (CONT’D)

Come to Grandma!

MIGUEL:

Woah! I’m gonna fall!

CABBIE (V.O.)

So what does this whole story mean?

The only way to be happy is to know

you won’t be happy every single day.

La la la la la la. It sounds better in the original Croatian.

As for the kid, he turned out O.K.

He came down in a field a few days later

and ironically grew up to be an airline pilot.

So there you go.

You have your happy ending.

Now get out cause nowhere on your ticket

does it say you can sleep here.

88           AFTER THE CREDITS        88

Mrs. Hurdicure is at the ice rink.

RAYMOND’S WIFE

Mother Hurdicure!

MRS. HURDICURE

Eh? Oh, Jane!

RAYMOND’S WIFE

Where’s Miguel?

MRS. HURDICURE:

I-I thought he was with you!

RAYMOND’S WIFE:

(sighs) Well, he’s missed the clown.

THE END.

 

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