5-Brain Candy

 

Chris hobbles downstairs.

GIRL (CONT’D) Uncle Chris! CHRIS: Uncle? Want me to play another game cause -Alice! What are you doing here? ALICE: There’s something wrong with little Signund.

She holds up a running wheel with a frozen mouse on it. The other girl walks downstairs.

OTHER GIRL: Chris? Can we order chicken wings? CISCO (O.S.) Get a receipt! CHRIS: What do you mean, wrong? ALICE: He’s in some sort of coma or something. CHRIS: Let me see.

Chris takes the wheel.

ALICE: I think little Signund is locked in his happiest memory. CHRIS: I see a mouse thinking, Alice. ALICE: That’s it! We’re breaking up! CHRIS: Alice, you seem a little upset and pretty deluded. ALICE: No! CHRIS: I just think you should seriously consider taking my drug.

Alice storms out. Cisco comes downstairs.

CISCO: Women!

The girls look at him.

CISCO (CONT’D) Not you two.

Alice bursts back in.

ALICE: I was in love with you, you know. I could have anyone. I’m beautiful.

Alice storms out again.

The girls LAUGH.

Alice bursts back in a again.

ALICE (CONT’D) We almost kissed!

Alice storms out again. Chris locks the door.

CISCO: When would you girls like to sign that form that says last night never happened?

Shot of Chris looking at the mouse.

CUT TO:

61           INT. DEPRESSION PROJECT – HALLWAY   61

Chris walks up to the lab. When he opens the door, a bunch of half naked men come running out. Then Wally walks out wearing short shorts.

WALLY: All yours, captain.

CUT TO:

62           INT. DEPRESSION PROJECT – LAB              62

Chris walks in and looks around. He notices a monkey is

frozen on top of a cage. He puts his finger to the monkey’s forehead.

CUT TO:

Flashback of monkey’s happiest memory–the monkey is playing chess with Simon. Simon makes a move and the monkey looks at the board.

SIMON: Go ahead, make your move.

The monkey makes a move. Simon LAUGHS until he’s realized that he’s lost. End of the memory.

CUT TO:

Back to present- Chris looks at the monkey for a few moments and then runs out of the lab.

63           EXT. MRS. HURDICURE’S HOUSE               63

Chris walks up to Mrs. Hurdicure’s house – a lone house, situated among skyscrapers.

CHRIS: 957? 957?

Chris knocks on the door.

CHRIS (CONT’D) 957? Mrs Hurdicure?

The door opens by itself and Chris walks in.

64           INT. MRS. HURDICURE’S HOUSE               64

CHRIS: Mrs. Hurdicure?

There is a loud sound of cats meowing.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Mrs. Hurdicure?

He walks into the living room to see thousands of cats all over the place.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Rowina? 957? Mrs. Hurdicure?

He walks into the living room and a cat falls on his head.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Cat on my head! Cat on my head!

He finally throws it off and looks up to see 3 more cats clung to the ceiling. He walks up to the backyard window and sees Mrs. Hurdicure frozen and two boys looking up her dress.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Hey you kids! Get away from there! Get out from under that old lady’s dress.

The kids run away.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Mrs. Hurdicure? Are you alright? Are you alright, Mrs. Hurdicure? Mrs. Hurdicure?

CUT TO:

65           SEQUENCE          65

Cut to short clips of Mrs. Hurdicure’s happiest memory being re-run over and over again.

CUT TO:

66           EXT. MRS. HURDICURE’S HOUSE – BACKYARD      66

Chris looks at Mrs. Hurdicure for a few moments then quickly walking away.

MRS. HURDICURE (softly) Tea… tea… tea…

CUT TO:

67           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – ELEVATOR      67

Chris is going up to the board room in an elevator. He has a flashback of the meeting he had with Don discussing the drug.

CUT TO:

68           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM              68

DON: Dr. Cooper, is it ready or not? CHRIS: In my opinion, the drug is ready.

CUT TO:

Back to Present. Chris bursts into the board room where a briss is in session.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Don, we’re-

A SNIPPING noise is heard and everyone says “AW”.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Don, could I, uh…

Everyone looks at him.

DON: Uh … excuse me for a second, Rabbi.

Don and Marv walk over to Chris.

DON (CONT’D)

Uh, Chris, we’re having a family briss, my nephew’s brissing, we’re about to briss. Can this not wait?

CHRIS: Don, we’re in trouble. DON: What?

CHRIS: When I told you the drug was ready, I, um, hadn’t really done enough testing, and now Mrs. Hurdicure, one of the first test subjects, has- (whispers) -gone into a coma.

DON: Yeah, but, Chris, wasn’t she an old lady? Old ladies go into comas every day, Right? MARV: M-hm. CHRIS: No, Don! It’s the drug! Alice tried to warm me but I didn’t listen, but people gotta know. We gotta go to the media. MARV: The media, Chris? DON: What are we talking? Newspapers? Television? CD-ROM? Um, college radio? CHRIS: Yes, Don. The whole kit and caboodle. DON: You know, I think we ought to think about it before we go to the media. MARV: M-hm . Hmmm . . .

They both think for a few moments.

MARV (CONT’D) No. DON: No? MARV: No. I don’t think we should go to the media. DON: You know, I agree. MARV: Huh. DON: Yeah. CHRIS: But we have to!

The baby starts to CRY.

DON: Rabbi Johnson? Just give me a minute, OK? Chris, let’s talk.

CUT TO:

69           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – HALLWAY/ELEVATOR 69

Don and Chris are walking down the hall towards the elevator.

DON: You know, Chris, the thing about being upset is that it sometimes being a turn on to women, is it’s not a state that you really want to be in when you make an important decision like say… going to the press. Wouldn’t you agree? CHRIS: No I wouldn’t agree. I think we’ve gotta get the word out. DON: Yeah, but you would agree that Paris is the capital of France? Wouldn’t you agree to that? CHRIS: Yes, but- DON: Good. So we’re back in agreement.

CUT TO:

70           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – ELEVATOR      70

DON: You know, the thing is Chris, your drug, it’s effectively changing the world for the better. It’s important that you know cause, have you heard? Crack is… gone! Crime is down, and oddly enough, so is tourism. But you know, if I haven’t said it before, good job.

71           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – LOWER LEVEL HALLWAY           71

Don and Chris are walking out of the elevator and down the hall.

DON: You know, and about the comas, Chris. You know in war, they call that sort of thing acceptable losses. Like it’s, 1944, the Germans are in France when really they should be in Germany and it’s going to cost a pretty penny to get them home and um, you know what we already know about your drug, and you know, what I’m going to show you is the acceptable losses. They’re really at about 5%, you know. If that.

CUT TO:

72           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – LARGE, FURNITURELESS ROOM            72

Don and Chris are in a room with lots of coma victims wandering around. Don turns on the lights.

DON: You know Chris, it might be very easy here, uh, to take the narrow view and say you know, “Oh my god. More coma victims. Oh how terrible, blah blah blah.” But you know Chris, I still think that’s the narrow view, you know, they’re stuck in their happiest memories.

Close up on a woman coma victim.

COMA VICTIM (singing) Won’t you take me to… Won’t you take me to… Won’t you take me to… funky town.

CUT TO:

73           INT. DISCO          73

Coma Victim’s happiest memory: She’s at a disco dancing to Funky Town.

CUT TO:

74           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – LARGE, FURNITURELESS ROOM            74

COMA VICTIM Funky town….

DON: And you know Chris, in a situation like this, I think we should rely on my experience, cause you know Chris, when I invented Stummies- CHRIS: Oh fuck Stummies! And you too, Don. You pushed, boy, you pushed! Dumb Baxter said the drug was great. I said testing. And you! You took away my lab and sure, I lost my virginity, but who do you think you pushed, boy, you pushed! I gotta return Rear Window to video store. Now this? Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees? DON: No. No. I don’t think I will fuck Stummies.

Donwaves his finger in Chris’s face.

CHRIS: Get your finger out of my face, Don.

Chris smacks Don’s hand out of the way.

DON: Don’t you touch my finger. CHRIS: Then get your finger out of my face, Don. DON: Don’t you touch my finger.

They argue like this for a bit, alternating pointing of finger and smacking down of finger. Then Don grabs Chris’s head and after struggling for a bit, Chris throws Don into the door.

DON (CONT’D) (catching his breath) You know Chris, I had such high hopes for you but unfortunately you just don’t get it.

Don walks out the door.

DON (CONT’D) Ow, my fucking finger.

Chris looks at the coma victims for a few seconds, then walks out of the room.

CUT TO:

75           EXT. CITY STREET – SIDEWALK     75

Chris is walking down the street. He stops by a huge poser advertising Gleemonex with a huge picture of him on it dunking the drug. He sees Wally and his boyfriend dressed as sailors. Wally has gone into a coma.

BOYFRIEND: What’s the matter? Oh Wallace! Wally? Wally! Come on now. Not tonight. We’re wearing our suits. No secrets here, remember? No secrets between sailors.

CUT TO:

76           EXT. ARMY TRAINING GROUND 76

SERGEANT: You are scum! Do you hear me, soldier?

Wally smiles.

CUT TO:

77                          EXT. ARMY TRAINING GROUND – OUTSIDE THE OUTDOOR SHOWERS 77

Another memory. The soldiers are lined up at the trenches.

SERGEANT: Terzinsky! WALLY: Yes sir! SERGEANT: There are two men standing over by the wall. Do you see them?

Wally takes binoculars and sees two men showering by a wall as well as lots of naked and half naked men walking around.

WALLY: Got them. SERGEANT: O.K. Wally. You’re my best man. Now here’s the plan: you go over there and fuck them. We’ll stay here and masturbate. WALLY: Yes sir! SERGEANT: Now go!

Wally runs off wearing pants with the material ripped out at the butt.

SERGEANT (CONT’D) Now there goes a man!

CUT TO:

78           EXT. CITY STREET – SIDEWALK     78

Wally falls over and his pills spill onto the street. Chris picks one up and looks at it. He sees Alice’s face in the pill.

ALICE: Chris! Chris! Chris! I thought you said the drug was ready. I’m confused. I thought you said the drug was ready. Chris! You said the drug was ready!

She takes a swig of liquor.

The face changes to Mrs. Hurdicure.

MRS. HURDICURE: Oh, Dr. Cooper. Thank you for your marvelous coma!

The face changes to Don.

DON: Chris, ne vous allez pas au media. Don’t go to the media. CHRIS: I gotta go to the media!

He throws down the pill.

CUT TO:

79           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – HALLYWAY     79

CHRIS: I’d like to thank the members of the media who did make it. College radio. Rifles and Helmets magazine. Of course, Girlbeat. Thank you all for coming. Who needs the networks anyway? O.K. then, follow me. (they start walking down a hall) I’m going to take you to where Roritor hides it’s terrible secret. A secret that I’m responsible for. I accept my part in this and ask you now to brace yourself as you bear witness Roritor’s hideousness.

Chris turns around and Marv is there.

MARV: Can you spare 5 minutes, Chris? CHRIS: No, Marv. I’m going to expose the comas. MARV: You, know, I think it will help if you come with me. CHRIS: O.K. Marv. Fine, let’s go.

Chris walks away.

MARV: ‘Fraid it’s the other way, Chris. CHRIS: O.K. everyone. Stay together. Tight unit, tight unit.

They walk away. The camera follows them.

CHRIS (CONT’D) Marv, I’m glad you and Don have finally come to your senses and realized that you can’t-

They walk up to a big flashy room filled with reporters. Don and Cisco are on a stage and Alice, Baxter and Simon are beside the stage.

CHRIS (CONT’D) What is this? MARV: Oh. This is the real press conference, Chris. CHRIS: The real press conference? MARV: Hm. (to the reporters) There’s food.

The reporters run off.

80           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – PRESS ROOM 80

Don steps up to the microphone. He is wearing a comically overdone brace on his finger.

DON: Uh, ladies and everyone, we’ve been joined by Dr. Chris Cooper.

All the reporters turn around and take pictures.

DON (CONT’D) And thanks to Dr. Cooper, we’re pleased to announce that we’re breaking ground on the first of 10 Roritor comatoriams.

Don and Cisco point to another stage and the curtain opens to show a model of a comatoriam.

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