45 INT. WALLY’S BEDROOM 45
Cut to Wally’s bedroom where he’s watching porn. He takes a pill out of a Gleemonex bottle and takes one. The pill goes down to his stomach and into his brain. He has a flashback of his happiest memory where’s he’s a soldier.
46 EXT. ARMY TRAINING GROUND 46
SERGEANT You are scum! WALLY: Yes sir! SERGEANT: Do you know what we are going to do today! WALLY: No sir! SERGEANT: We are going to be doing push ups! All day! You and me! All day!
SERGEANT (CONT’D): Do you think that’s funny, soldier! WALLY: No sir! SERGEANT: Well you will be doing those push ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles you never knew you had! Big muscles! Hard muscles! WALLY Oh yes sir!
They look at each other’s crotches and they both quickly look up. Flashback ends.
47 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – WALLY’S HOUSE 47
Wally runs downstairs where Doreen and his kids are sitting.
WALLY: Guess what? I’m gay! FAMILY: Yay!
The kids high five each other.
The parade music starts.
48 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET 48
Wally’s family marches out their door behind him and begin to march down their street.
WALLY: I’m gay! NEIGHBOR: He’s gay!
More people join in the march.
WALLY: I’m gay! KID: He’s gay!
The girls GIGGLE.
Parade is getting bigger. People do flips in front of the camera. Wally does a cartwheel.
WALLY: I’m gay! WOMAN: He’s gay! MAN: He’s gay! KID: He’s gay! WOMAN: Did you hear the news? He’s gay! WALLY: I used to be straight but now I’m gay. I think the drug made me that way. CROWD: He’s gay! He’s gay! He’s gay!
All the neighbors crowd up around Wally and he disappears out of view. When he reappears, he’s wearing a spandex bodysuit. The crowd lifts him up in the air.
WALLY: I’m gaaaaaaay! CROWD: Who cares?
The crowd drops Wally and walks away.
49 EXT. RORITOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT 49
People are lining up to get into a party. A couple show their tickets to the DOORMAN.
DOORMAN: Thank you. Have a good evening. Another couple shows their tickets. DOORMAN (CONT’D): These are fakes. Get out of here. Scram! Another couple shows their tickets. DOORMAN (CONT’D) Thank you. Have a good evening.
50 INT. RORITOR’S HOUSE 50
WOMAN: (to a friend) I think that’s him, the inventor of the drug.
Alice, Baxter, Simon and Chris walk into the party.
SIMON: Oh my god. Mr. Roritor’s house is amazing. The women smile at Chris. ALICE: This reminds me of when I was a little girl. I used to come out with my- MARV: (interrupting) Chris? Can I see you? it’ll just take five minutes. Great.
He drags Chris away.
CHRIS: Well, actually Marv, I uh… SIMON: (to Alice): They’re talking about us. MARV: Someone would like to meet you. CHRIS: Oh really?
They walk up to CANCER BOY, who is in a wheelchair.
CHRIS (CONT’D) Hello. CANCER BOY: Hi Doctor. I’m Cancer Boy. MARV: And what would you like to say to the Doctor? CANCER BOY: I’d like to thank you for your marvelous drug. CHRIS: Oh, are you on it, Cancer Boy? CANCER BOY:
No. There is no hope for me. But my parents are on it, though. They were so very low, not just because of me but because my brother was born with his heart on the outside of his body.
CHRIS (A BEAT) Is that a fact? CANCER BOY Yeah. CHRIS (A BEAT) Nice to make your acquaintance.
Chris sticks out his hand to shake Cancer Boy’s. Cancer Boy moves his wheelchair up to Chris and shakes his hand.
CANCER BOY: OW! CHRIS: Sorry, so sorry. CANCER BOY: That’s O.K. My marrow’s just low.
Cancer Boy hands Chris an hors d’oeuvre.
MARV: Now Chris, you’ve really been ignoring Don all night. You really should, uh, speak to him.
Chris looks at Alice waving at him.
Marv drags him away.
Cancer Boy, excitedly, moves his wheelchair back and forth.
CANCER BOY: Did you see? Did you see? The Doctor and me? Did you see?
51 INT. RORITOR’S HOUSE – DON’S PRIVATE ROOM 51
Marv and Chris are coming down to Don’s room in an elevator. Don is getting a head scratch. He sees Chris and Marv.
DON: Oh, uh, hi Chris. Come on in. I’m almost done.
Marv and Chris walk in.
DON (CONT’D) Thank you, Marv.
Marv walks back into the elevator and looks at Chris and Don through the doors as long as he can before he goes up.
DON (CONT’D) (to masseuse) Uh, could you do it a little harder? Uh, a little softer. In circles. Just, less in circles. Right, but more in circles. (makes a little snorting noise) Great. Done. Head scratch, Chris? CHRIS: No thanks, Don. DON: Are you sure?
DON (CONT’D) Thanks Shivan. Good job. Can I get you anything else, Chris? Grappa? Wine? Cappuccino? Tickets to a Lakers’ game? CHRIS: No thanks, Don. DON: You sure? What about cheesecake? Double A batteries? Land in Montana? CHRIS: (thinks for a moment) No. No thank you. DON: O.K. Um… Chris, I offer you these things but they’ll be yours anyway. Do you understand?
Chris nods, then shakes his head.
CHRIS: No. DON: Did, uh, Marv talk to you? CHRIS: Yes, yes he did. DON: Ah, good. So you know.
Chris nods, then shakes his head.
CHRIS: Know… what? DON: That we’re applying for your drug to be non-prescription. CHRIS: But… my drug is for the clinically depressed.
They walk into the pool area. The camera follows.
DON: You know Chris, you’ve invented a marvelous drug and right now only certain people can have access to it and we think that everyone should have access to it like um, you know, like, like, ghetto children. Apparently their lives are horrible. Did you read that thing in the Times? But, uh, you want ghetto children to be happy, don’t you Chris? CHRIS: Well, sure Don. I uh- DON: Of course you do. Now there may be some papers to sign, that’s if this thing happens but of course it may not, you know how these things are. CHRIS: But I really think-
Don interrupts Chris by SINGING a few notes up to the ceiling which ECHO back to him.
DON: That was supposed to be fixed. Come on, Chris.
52 EXT. RORITOR’S BACKYARD – NIGHT 52
They walk outside onto a patio where there is music and people talking.
DON: Hang on, I’ll introduce you around. Uh, everyone?
The music stops and everyone is silent.
DON (CONT’D): This is Chris Cooper. He’s the inventor of our new drug.
DON (CONT’D): Now as some of you may know, the drug is going non-prescription and that’s good. That’s all.
The music starts again and people start TALKING.
CHRIS What’s this? DON: Oh, this is the real party, Chris.
53 INT. RORITOR’S HOUSE 53
Alice is standing on the steps of the ‘other party’.
ALICE: Where’s Chris? SIMON: I don’t know. I haven’t seen him for a while. BAXTER: Hey! Look over here! He’s on this monitor.
The camera switches to a view of Chris on the monitor talking to a woman at ‘the real party’.
SIMON: Oh wow. Who’s she? BAXTER: Cute. ALICE: Oh. She must be another… scientist.
54 GRAPHIC SEQUENCE 54
Pill are falling against a black screen. The words ‘3 MONTHS LATER’ appear on screen.
55 INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM 55
Cisco, Don, Chris, and Natalie in the board room looking at a dog. Chris now dresses and acts hip.
CHRIS: Hm… Hm… Hm… CISCO: So Chris, does this dog say Gleemonex for pets? CHRIS: Sort of. You know, um, I don’t even think he looks happy, or if he would even take the drug. DON: You don’t like, Chris? CHRIS: It’s just that … I have a dog in my head and I haven’t seen it yet.
They get into a big commotion of Chris saying he doesn’t like the dog and everyone saying they agree.
CHRIS (CONT’D): Oh, um, Nat? My cup is luke-luke. NATALIE: Lukewarm, Chris? CISCO: No, Luke Skywalker, you fuckin’ inbred.
They all LAUGH.
56 INT. SUICIDE CLUB 56
A Grivo concert. A guy jumps off a balcony to have no one catch him.
The crowd is CHANTING ‘Grivo’. Grivo walks up to the microphone.
GRIVO: Hold it! GUY IN CROWD: Heroin! GRIVO: No, not heroin. I have a new song. I wrote it in the park.
Happiness and sunbeams and cute little puppy dogs
These are the things that I’ve seen with my heart
Life is a happy game if you don’t forget to smile
But every now and then-
GROUPIE: Fuck he’s on the drug! GRIVO: (Singing) -your face it harbors a frown.
GUY IN CROWD: You Suck!
57 INT. MUSIC VIDEO 57
The video of Happiness Pie play. It has various shots of Wally and Doreen, the cops, Bellini, Mrs. Hudicure, and Grivo frolicking in a pie.
Sadness is a barnacle clinging to your bright boat
You won’t let it sink your spirits if you’ll only learn to float
We are all sea captains sailing on life’s rough seas
Come on you Magellans, come with me I’ve got pie
Happy tailors happy workers happy farmers happy girls
Happy widowers happy freelance artists happy welders happy world
Happy drinkers happy thinkers happy musicians happy beauticians
Happy mayors happy pairs happy call girls happy hula boys
(happiness pie) p p p p p p p p pie
58 INT. CONCERT HALL 58
It is the World Video Awards. Happiness Pie has just finished playing on the large monitor in the theater.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The winner of the World Video Award for best new contemporary song is… Grivo!
Grivo walks on stage to takes his award.
GRIVO: Thank you. I’d like to thank my fanbase. We did it. Smile, it’s free.
Grivo kisses statue. He begins to walk off, but the trophy girls turn him around and have him walk off the other way.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): He’s the inventor of the new wonderdrug Gleemonex. She’s a super supermodel.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Dr. Chris Cooper and Clemptor!
Chris and CLEMPTOR walk on stage. Clemptor is dressed in a sun-yellow vinyl dress and high heels. She speaks with a thick, but indistinguishable accent.
CHRIS: Writing a hit song is a real science. CLEMPTOR: Well, you should know, Chris.
They both fake LAUGH.
CLEMPTOR (CONT’D): And now, the award for the best new rap, hip hop, or folk (pronounced: fuck) act. CHRIS: And the first nominee is Cancer Boy from- CLEMPTOR: Yummy. CHRIS: From his new album ‘Whistle When You’re Low’.
Cancer Boy’s video, full screen. Cancer Boy is in front of a blue screen. The video is Cancer Boy whistling on a beach. Behind him are big, majestic crashing waves.
59 EXT. CONCERT HALL – THE RED CARPET 59
Chris is walking outside after the awards. There are lots of people crowded around him CHANTING his name. Chris is happy and makes a high-five sign to Cisco who’s walking beside him. Cisco doesn’t return the high-five. They keep walking.
CHRIS: (to the mob of people) Thank you, thank you.
A guy, SCARRED GUY, pulls him over.
SCARRED GUY: I would have killed myself if it weren’t for you. CHRIS: Thanks, kid. SCARRED GUY Can I have an autograph?
He holds out his wrists which have suicide scars on them.
CHRIS: Sure. Can I sign along the scar? SCARRED GUY Yeah, sure! CHRIS: Alright.
Chris signs his name on the guy’s scar.
SCARRED GUY: Chris Cooper signed my scar! CHRIS: (to the mob) Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks.
He laughs and gives someone a high-five.
CUT TO: Cisco is opening a limo door. A bird flies in his eye.
CISCO: Ahh! Something’s in my eye!
Cisco pulls out the bird.
CISCO (CONT’D) Fucking bird.
60 INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT 60
There is the sound of someone knocking on the door. Pan to Chris’s room where he’s asleep in his bed with two girls. Chris sits up a bit.
Cisco is sitting in a chair next to the bed with a patch on his eye.
CISCO: Chris, do you want me to get it? CHRIS: Oh, uh, I’m favorable.
One of the girls goes and answers the door. It’s Alice.
ALICE: Oh, um, hello. GIRL: What do you want? ALICE: Is, um, your uncle here? GIRL: Uncle?
She’s confused but then understands and starts LAUGHING.
GIRL (CONT’D) Right.