3-Brain Candy

MRS. HURDICURE:

(falling) Oh!

ALICE:

(running) Sorry!

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh my!

CHRIS:

(running to help her)

Are you alright?

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh, I’m fine.

Chris helps her up.

MRS. HURDICURE (CONT’D)

I’m fine. I needed the exercise.

Oh, Dr. Cooper! Dr. Chris Cooper!

I was actually coming to see you.

Do you rememeber me? Hm? Hm?

CHRIS:

Of … course. You’re 957.

MRS. HURDICURE:

Dr. Cooper, because of your marvelous drug

I’m out of the old folks home

and I’m on my own again.

I’m even working part time

(she looks around) as a nude art model!

Oh Doctor! I haven’t felt this good

since they said it’s not malignant.

God bless you (she gives Chris a big hug)

and your important work. God bless.

Alice comes out to see this, starts crying, and runs away again.

CUT TO:

32           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM              32

People are LAUGHING.

CISCO:

Duh!

More LAUGHING. Cisco gets out of his chair and crouches behind it. Both hands grasping the back.

CISCO (CONT’D)

OK. I was driving around last night in my 62,000 dollar car, and suddenly it hit me.

DON:

The name?

CISCO:

No, a bird. It hit my windshield. When that happened, I got depressed.

NATALIE:

Not you, Cisco.

CISCO:

But as soon as I got depressed,

I got undepressed cause as I was cleaning

the gleaming guts of that bird of my windshield,

I thought of a name for the drug. Gleemonex!

Cisco gets a round of APPLAUSE. Cisco then makes a few arrogant poses.

CISCO (CONT’D)

Slogan- Gleemonex makes it feel like it’s 72 degrees

in your head… all the time.

Don kisses the tip of his finger to show he likes it and Cisco gets another round of APPLAUSE.

CUT TO:

33           INT. THE QUEEN’S PALACE           33

A close-up shot of the heading an approval form for the drug. Camera pans slowly down to the bottom of the form, then: A big red ‘APPROVED’ stamp is stamped on the form.

THE QUEEN:

The drug is approved. Next?

34           INT. FACTORY    34

Music montage starts: Shot of orange pills coming off a conveyor belt and going into pill bottles labeled ‘Gleemonex’.

Shot of lots of pills revolving.

Shot of 5 or 6 pills being dropped into a large pill bottle. Shot of pill bottles and pills on conveyor belts.

Shot of lots of pill bottles rotating.

Shot of more pill bottles on conveyor belts.

Shot of pills revolving.

Shot of a gloved hand taking the pill bottles off the conveyor belt and putting them in a box and sending the box down a conveyor belt and a man putting the box in a big red RORITOR PHARMACEUTICALS truck, along with many other boxes.

35           EXT. FACTORY    35

Shot of the truck driving down the street. Music ends.

CUT TO:

36           INT. TELEVISION STUDIO              36

Beginning of the Nina Bedford show. On a television in the studio:

HOMELESS GUY:

I used to live on the street,

had cardboard bum from sleeping on cardboard.

Then Jesus, I mean Dr. Cooper gave me his drug.

Now I’m mmmmmmore productive.

I’m a security guard … with a gun.

Camera pans out to the Nina Bedford Show.

NINA:

Hi. Welcome to the Nina Bedford Show.

I’m Nina Bedford. Do you like my new outfit?

Audience BOOS.

NINA (CONT’D)

Hm. Happiness. Can it be bought in the form of a pill?

On today’s Nina Bedford Show

we’re talking to Chris Cooper,

the inventor of the new wonderdrug, Gleemonex.

Audience APPLAUDS.

NINA (CONT’D)

Dr. Cooper, tell us about this new happy drug.

How does it make people feel?

CHRIS:

Well Nina, what we like to say around the lab

is that it makes people feel like it’s uh…

Shot of Cisco backstage encouraging Chris to say the slogan.

CHRIS (CONT’D)

72 degrees in the head all the time.

CUT TO:

37           INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC – LAB   37

Alice, Baxter and Simon are watching Chris on TV.

BAXTER:

We don’t say that.

ALICE:

But we could start.

CUT TO:

38           INT. TELEVISON STUDIO               38

NINA:

72 degrees in the head? Sounds like LA!

Audience LAUGHS. Chris LAUGHS along pathetically.

NINA (CONT’D)

O.K.. Questions. Yes, sir. You.

OLD MAN IN AUDIENCE:

Uh, I want to be a scientist just like you.

What’s your advice?

Chris looks slightly uncomfortable for a moment then quickly points toward the old man.

CHRIS:

Um… work hard and stay in school!

Audience APPLAUDS.

NINA:

Good advice. Good advice. Anyone else?

Yes, ma’am. All the way up here. O.K..

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:

How big is your house?

NINA:

Oh yeah, Chris. How big is your house?

CHRIS:

Well, actually I live in a small apartment.

Audience reluctantly APPLAUDS.

NINA:

Oh. Um, next question.

Yes, you ma’am.

TOM JONES GIRL:

Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Tom Jones?

Cause, uh, we think you do.

CHRIS:

Doesn’t anyone want to know

how the drug works chemically?

NINA:

Chris, stand up and wiggle your hips for us.

CHRIS:

Oh, no, I couldn’t.

NINA:

Oh, come on. Ladies, don’t you want

to see him wiggle his hips? I do!

Audience APPLAUDS and starts making CATCALLS at Chris.

CHRIS:

I’m more of a scientist than a wiggler.

NINA:

Come on. Get up!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:

Be a sport!

CHRIS:

O.K….

Chris gets up out of his chair.

“Kissed” sung by Tom Jones starts and Chris wiggles his hips around while the audience APPLAUDS.

NINA:

He does look like a young Tom Jones.

O.K.. When we come back, we’re going to give

Dr. Chris Cooper a complete makeover.

O.K. Chris, wiggle us out!

Chris keeps wiggling, and he’s getting pretty into it.

CISCO:

(from backstage) Soak it up you ugly sponge.

CUT TO:

39           EXT. PARK – NIGHT          39

Two COPS are parked in their cruiser. The camera looks in at them through the windshield.

COP #1 burps and throws out an empty bottle of beer out the window.

COP #1:

Hey did you see that, uh,

Nina Bedford show this morning?

COP #2:

(burps) Yeah, that uh thing about toast fucking.

COP #1:

Toast fucking?

COP #2:

Yeah, it’s the new thing where you

fuck or get fucked with toast.

COP #1:

No. That show this morning

was about the new drug.

COP #2:

Oh. Must have been a dream I had.

They both LAUGH.

COP #1:

I hope so.

COP #2:

Well pitter patter, let’s skidatter.

COP #2 starts up car.

COP #1:

Hey hey hey, wait a minute,

I gotta go drain the snake.

COP #2:

(laughing) Drain the snake.

COP #1 starts WHISTLING and gets out of the car and walks over to a park bathroom. He goes in and turns on the lights.

GUY (O.S.)

Lights off, asshole.

OTHER GUY (O.S.)

Cop! Run!

All sorts of half naked men run out of the bathroom. The cops make a desperate attempt at trying to catch one of them.

COP #2:

Hey! Freeze! I’m your

nightmare mister! Freeze!

Wally comes out of the bathroom covering himself with a shirt.

COP #1:

Freeze!

Wally freezes on the spot.

COP #1 (CONT’D)

I got one. Down. Down.

Not a word. Down.

Down on the ground, sir.

Get down on the ground.

WALLY:

Officer, those men, they stole my wallet.

COP #2:

(pointing his gun at Wally) We always win.

CUT TO:

40           EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – WALLY’S HOUSE           40

Doreen and Wally’s kids standing in the doorway of his house. All the neighbors are out because Wally is being brought home naked by the cops. He’s covering his genitalia with his hands which are handcuffed together.

COP #1:

Just step out of the car, please sir.

WALLY:

It’s all just a big misunderstanding,

like a Three’s Company episode.

Somebody came in the wrong door

and all hell broke loose. Doreen!

DOREEN:

Oh, Wally.

COP #2:

Uh, we didn’t charge him, ma’am.

We thought bringing him home

bare-assed naked was enough.

COP #2 LAUGHS under his breath.

DOREEN:

Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?

COP #2:

Well, actually, that was your husband’s idea.

COP #2 hands her Wally’s clothes.

DOREEN:

Well, thanks for dropping him off. Goodnight.

COP #1:

Ma’am, I’d just like to say how a man like that

can get up to these types of park shananagans

with a lovely piece of ass like yourself waiting at home.

DOREEN:

Thank you, I… guess.

COP #1:

You’re welcome, ma’am.

Cops leave.

WALLY:

Honey, I think you’ve got a right

to know what happened.

DOREEN:

Wally, please don’t.

WALLY:

No no no. I went out driving cause

as you know I love driving, when suddenly

I had to take the biggest pee in the world.

So I saw this washroom, so I stopped in.

DOREEN:

Come on, kids.

Doreen and the kids go inside leaving Wally to explain to all of the staring neighbors.

WALLY:

And, uh, it was full of those types.

You know, queers and queenies,

so one of them tried to kiss me,

but I said no. No. No no no no…

CUT TO:

41           INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE       41

Wally is sitting on the pyschiatrist’s office.

WALLY:

…no. But he just kept kissing me.

Why would he do that?

PSYCHIATRIST:

Well, didn’t you tell me

that you had gripped him by the buttocks

and pulled him closer?

WALLY:

Yes, but that was because I was concerned that he might fall.

I mean, Doctor, his pants were around his goddamned ankles.

Psychiatrist sighs.

WALLY (CONT’D)

Doctor, why do those, you know, those,

uh, types keep thinking I’m one of them?

PSYCHIATRIST:

Because you are one of them.

WALLY:

Uh-huh.

PSYCHIATRIST:

You are gay. You are gay.

You are a homosexual.

WALLY:

Mm-hm.

PSYCHIATRIST:

The opposite of straight, you’re gay.

I know it. your family knows it, dogs know it.

Everyone seems to know it except you.

WALLY:

Then why is it that I’m not aware of it?

PSYCHIATRIST:

It’s called denial.

WALLY:

Look Doctor, are you just going to sit there

and spew your psychiatric mumbo jumbo at me all day?

PSYCHIATRIST:

No no no no no no.

(gets up) I just…Tell you what,

I’m going to write you a prescription

for uh, the drug.

WALLY:

The drug?

PSYCHIATRIST:

Yes, Gleemonex. It’s new.

I don’t normally like to do this

but you’re a special case.

WALLY:

Well, will I still be in “denial”?

PSYCHIATRIST:

No, it’s to be hoped that you’ll just be … gay.

CUT TO:

42           INT. A CAB          42

Lacey and Raj are riding in a cab.

LACEY:

Well Casey’s on it.

RAJ:

Uchera’s on it.

LACEY:

Robi’s on it.

RAJ:

Seven’s on it.

LACEY:

Josh is on it.

RAJ:

Sky is on it.

LACEY:

Well of course Sky’s on it. Sky’s on everything.

RAJ:

Yeah. Including you!

LACEY:

Once!

RAJ:

Yeah, well.

They both LAUGH.

CABBIE: It’s made from monkey come, you know.

RAJ: Pardon me?

CABBIE:

The drug, it’s made from monkey come.

They keep these monkeys locked in a room all day,

you know, and then they make them jack off

and then they boil it or something

and that’s what they drug is made of.

RAJ:

They make them jack off?

CABBIE:

Oh yeah. They show them this animal pornography.

Kinky stuff like two dogs making love to a cat

or a bat and a pig, you know.

RAJ: That’s bullshit!

Cabbie screeches to a stop.

CABBIE:

O.K. you two. Out of my cab.

I don’t like that kind of language, alright?

RAJ:

Yeah, well you’re obviously not on it.

CABBIE:

Yeah, well move it out of here.

LACEY:

You’re not getting dollar one you ugly man.

CABBIE:

I don’t give a crap you stupid slinky whore.

CUT TO:

43           INT. SUICIDE CLUB          43

A Grivo Concert. Melanie walks up to the two groupies.

GROUPIE 1:

Is he coming out?

GROUPIE 2:

I hear he’s too depressed to go on.

MELANIE:

It’s going to be great, eh?

Groupie 2 pushes Melanie to the side. The music starts. The crowd starts chanting ‘Grivo’. After a while, Grivo walks on stage and up to the microphone and the music stops.

GRIVO:

I wanna talk about drugs.

A GUY IN THE CROWD:

Heroin!

GRIVO:

No, not heroin.

THE WHOLE CROWD:

Speed!

GRIVO:

No, not speed.

CROWD:

Hashish!

GRIVO:

No, not even hashish.

CROWD:

(BEAT) Horse tranquilizers?

GRIVO:

No, not horse tranquilizers.

I just heard about a drug that makes you happy.

Well I just want to say…

Grivo looks around at the crowd.

GRIVO (CONT’D)

… Fuck happy!

Crowd CHEERS and the music starts again.

CUT TO:

44           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM              44

Don is sleeping in his chair. Marv walks in.

DON:

Well, are-are-are-are they in?

MARV:

Yes Don, the grosses are in.

DON:

Well?

MARV:

Well, Don, I think it’s

important to remember

that these things are not

always as bad as they seem.

I mean the data can be

interpreted in many ways.

I think it’s important

to keep that in mind.

There are a lot of ways

of interpreting the data, Don.

DON:

(sullen) Yeah. Right.

MARV:

I think that you should just-

Don grabs the “DRUG VARIETY” from Marv and looks at it.

Its headline is ‘GLEEMONEX SOARS’.

DON:

You son of a bitch, we’re number one.

MARV:

(starts laughing) I got ya, Don.

DON:

You son of a bitch,

we beat penicillin.

MARV:

We kicked penicillin’s sorry ass!

They both LAUGH.

DON:

Can I have the room for a second,

you son of a bitch.

MARV:

Yes Don, I understand.

Marv leaves.

DON:

WE BEAT PENICILLIN!!

Don throws down the paper.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s