2-Brain Candy

People file back in.

DON:

Okay. Ummm, to answer your question, Natalie, uh, the Board of Directors was a little concerned that we didn’t have a back-to-school drug or a Christmas drug

NATALIE:

We didn’t have an International Women’s Day drug.

Marv gives exasperated look.

DON:

Exactly. Uh, so, you know I tried to remind them that when I invented Stummies…

He points to a Stummies poster on the wall; everyone reaches to the bowls of Stummies on the table and partakes of them.

MARV:

Oh, Stummies, yes Don, thank God that you did.

DON:

You know, it took both time and effort. Uh, but unfortunately the Board takes a narrow view, and in their own narrow way they think that the  company is losing money, which in fact we are, but again I think this is the narrow view.

MARV:

Well, damn them, Don, I mean what the hell do they know? NATALIE:

What do they know? Thank you.

DON:

Well, they’re insisting that we cut our research outlay by 60%.

DON:

Of course, I told them to fuck off.

MARV:

Good for you, Don!

DON:

But then, out loud, I said I’d consider it.

MARV:

Of course, Don, exactly the right thing to do. Play with them.

DON:

So where are we with that, Marv?

MARV:

With what, Don?

DON:

Our restructuring plan.

MARV:

You mean the thing that you just mentioned, just now?

DON:

Yeah.

MARV:

Oh, we’re on top of that, Don.

DON:

Good. Look, are we ever going to get the big table in here, or do I have to go out and cut down that fucking tree myself?

NATALIE:

I’ll get right on that. Yeah? Okay, number one…

CUT TO:

17           INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC – SEALED-OFF ROOM    17

Music, very faint: Nata di Marzo.

Simon is administering the medication to three patients.

SIMON:

Open. (Gives pill to some person) Open. (Gives pill to someone else) Open.

PLACEBO MAN:

No. It’s been two weeks, and I don’t feel any different. All I’ve done is gain eight pounds. Now what’s in this?

SIMON:

Oh, a little of this and little of that. Open.

PLACEBO MAN:

Sugar, isn’t it? I’m in the placebo group!

SIMON:

Well, loose lips sink ships. Open.

PLACEBO MAN:

No! My face tells me it’s sugar!

Simon stamps on his foot.

PLACEBO MAN (CONT’D)

Ow!

Simon sticks the pill in his mouth, then slaps the back of his head to make him swallow.

PLACEBO MAN (CONT’D)

Uh!

SIMON:

Thank you.

PLACEBO MAN:

You’re not allowed to do that to me.

CUT TO:

18           INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC – ANOTHER SEALED-OFF ROOM               18

Mrs. Hurdicure spins on a multi-axis centrifuge in a sealed off room. Enter Chris & Alice, who stand at a large window in front of the room. Chris turns off the machine and it slowly spins down.

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh! Woo-hoo! Yeah! Ha ha ha ha! Woo hoo hoo! Yeah! Oh my! Oh, hello Doctor! Yeah! Oh my! Alice! Yeah! Just a second, I’m ready… ah, hello, yeah!

CHRIS:

How you feeling, 957?

MRS. HURDICURE:

Pardon?

CHRIS:

How you feeling, Mrs. Hurdicure?

MRS. HURDICURE:

Excellent, just a little dizzy.

CHRIS:

So it’s safe to say that you’re not suffering from any mood swings or bouts of depression?

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh, no, no mood swings, but I am a little dizzy.

CHRIS:

And how’s your appetite?

MRS. HURDICURE:

Excellent, though I am a little dizzy.

CHRIS:

Thank you.

MRS. HURDICURE:

Okay.

Chris turns on the machine.

MRS. HURDICURE (CONT’D)

Woooo-hoo! Here we go again. Woo-hoo!

CUT TO:

19           INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC – LAB   19

ALICE:

This urine is great!

SIMON:

And the liver functions test came back completely clean. Totally clean!

BAXTER:

See, I told you, the goddamn drug works!

CHRIS:

Yes, I know that the early results have been, oh, favorable I guess is the word…

BAXTER:

What?

SIMON:

Oh, come on!

CHRIS:

Slow down, gang, remember we got lots more testing to do.

ALICE:

Guys, maybe Chris is right.

MARV:

Dr. Cooper? Dr. Chris Cooper?

CHRIS:

Yes, sir?

A scream is heard faintly in the background.

MARV:

Could you spare five minutes please?

BACKGROUND VOICE:

Defcon 1. We are now at Defcon 1.

Marv & Chris walk into the hall.

MARV:

We’re just going to step upstairs for a moment, OK Chris?

Chris is stopped by Monkey Man.

MONKEY SCIENTIST:

The vultures are flying in today. There’s a lot of shit going down. It’s carnage. They’re cuttin’ all the fat.

Chris stares at the Monkey Man for a moment, horrified and confused.

MARV:

Chris?

BACKGROUND VOICE:

His monkeys! Give us his monkeys!

A PERSON:

I heard Don’s been shot!

ANOTHER PERSON:

Don’s been shot? I heard we’ve been bought out by the Japanese!

FRANTIC WOMAN:

Hey! I just heard the Japanese have been shot!

Chris & Marv enter elevator, face towards door. Police carry off monkey man.

BACKGROUND VOICE:

Give us his monkeys now!

MONKEY SCIENTIST:

No! At least let me take my monkeys! I don’t care what happens to me, but please, please let me take my monkeys!

CHRIS:

What’s going on?

MARV:

Nothing’s going on, Chris.

CUT TO:

20           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM              20

The table in the board room is filled with management personnel.

DON:

Look, this is just an informal chat. We were wondering what you were working on in your lab?

WORM PILL SCIENTIST:

Well, I’ve invented a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.

DON:

Right. And what’s positive about that?

WORM PILL SCIENTIST:

Well it’s a pill that gives worms to ex girlfriends.

DON:

Well, could it also give worms to ex boyfriends?

WORM PILL SCIENTIST:

This is a drug, for the world, to give worms to ex-girlfriends.

DON:

Well great. Thanks for stopping by.

WORM PILL SCIENTIST:

(Stands up) You just don’t get it here! Hoo-hoo!

CUT TO:

21           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – ELEVATOR      21

Music: Butts Wigglin. Chris tries to start conversation by looking silly, but quickly stops.

CUT TO:

22           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM              22

BIG STUMMIES SCIENTIST:

Well, I’ve been working on a thing. It’s, uh, sorta like Stummies.

DON:

Go on. I like what I hear.

BIG STUMMIES SCIENTIST:

It’s exactly like Stummies.

DON:

And the twist is?

BIG STUMMIES SCIENTIST:

It’s a much bigger pill.

DON:

I like it a lot. Is it ready for production?

BIG STUMMIES SCIENTIST:

Yes sir, it’s ready to go.

DON:

Yeah, have there been any side effects?

BIG STUMMIES SCIENTIST:

Yes sir, a few side effects.

NATALIE:

Well that’s OK. As long as there’s no flipper babies, right Don?

Everyone LAUGHS.

BIG STUMMIES SCIENTIST:

Well, there have been a few flipper babies.

CUT TO:

23           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – HALLWAY/ELEVATOR 23

Marv and Chris are coming out of the elevator. The Big Stummies Scientist is is hysterical and is being carried away by two security guards.

BIG STUMMIES SCIENTIST:

AHHH! It was only a couple of flipper babies!

CHRIS:

Marv, I’m really starting to think-

MARV:

It’d really be better if you didn’t, Chris.

They walk towards the board room a Marv has an evil smirk on his face.

CUT TO:

24           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM              24

Marv and Chris walk in.

DON:

Uh, Dr. Cooper? Uh, please have a seat.

Marv motions Chris to have a seat and Chris sits down.

DON (CONT’D)

Look, this is just an informal chat. Uh, would you like a Stummies? There’s some in front of you there.

CHRIS:

Thank you very much.

Chris takes some Stummies from a bowl in front of him and the crunch echos throughout the room.

DON:

So, how’s your family?

CHRIS:

I don’t really have a family per se, sir.

DON:

Mm. Mm. So, what are you working on?

CHRIS:

Well, as you know, I’m working on a drug that will cure depression.

Low rumble while Don straightens up in his chair.

DON:

Go on.

CHRIS:

Well, I don’t really have my notes with me.

Natalie pulls out a folder of notes from behind her back and hands it to Chris.

CHRIS (CONT’D)

Apparently I do… have my notes with me. (looking through his notes) The results have been, um, very positive.

DON:

Is it ready?

CHRIS:

Oh… um… well… oh… um…

DON:

Well, look, if it’s not ready than, uh

CHRIS:

It’s not that it isn’t ready, sir. It’s just that we have so much more testing to do.

DON:

Dr. Cooper. Is it ready or not?

Silence while Chris thinks.

DON (CONT’D)

Dr. Cooper?

CUT TO:

25           INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC – LAB   25

Chris bursts into the lab.

CHRIS:

I’ve got great news. They’re going ahead with the drug!

ALICE, BAXTER, SIMON:

What?

CHRIS:

(obviously trying to change the subject) Lots of things in the lab to do… Lots of things to do…

ALICE:

But, Chris, you said there was much more testing to do.

CHRIS:

Well… people say things…

Chris looks into a microscope with fake interest.

CHRIS (CONT’D)

Mmmm! Facinating!

SIMON:

Uh, Chris, isn’t it a little early in the research phase to be releasing a new drug?

CHRIS:

Well, Simon, we can’t be too by the bookie about this testing thing.

Chris unbuttons one of Simon’s shirt buttons.

CHRIS (CONT’D)

That’s better. Besides, Baxter here said the drug worked, and we all trust Baxter, don’t we?

ALICE:

It’s just that-

CHRIS:

Alice! Are you saying you don’t trust Baxter?

ALICE:

No… I…

SIMON:

Chris!

BAXTER:

What gives?

ALICE AND SIMON:

Yeah!

CHRIS:

They were going to close down our lab if we didn’t come up with a drug!

ALICE, SIMON, BAXTER:

Oh! (realizing it’s a bad thing) Ohhhh!

CHRIS:

Come on! We might be releasing the most effective anti-depressant ever!

ALICE:

Well it is a good drug.

SIMON:

Yeah, but…

BAXTER:

I…

JUST A GUY:

Yeah! Come on! Let’s celebrate!

They all give Just A Guy a funny look.

CUT TO:

26           INT. RESTAURANT           26

Hula music is playing. Baxter, Alice, Simon and Chris are all sitting at a table. They are all obviously very drunk.

SIMON:

Ok. Who wants another drink? Chris?

Chris raises his hand.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Another drink? Alice? Alice, you’re in? Another one?

Alice nods.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Baxter?

BAXTER:

Yep.

SIMON:

One more?

Baxter nods.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Chris? Got it.

Simon stands up to leave then comes back.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Ok. Alright. Wait. Chris? Another?

Chris nods.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Good. Good boy. Chris? Chris? You’re in? Come on, Alice. Alice… Alice, come on. Another drink? Right. You’re not sure?

ALICE:

(deciding) Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

BAXTER:

Come on. Come on.

ALICE:

Mmmmmm. Ok.

SIMON:

Alright. Alice is in. And, uh, Chris? You’re having a drink. Alright.

Simon leaves then comes back in a few seconds.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Alright. Alright.

Simon shakes his head to clear his thoughts.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Hang on. Baxter?

Shot of Baxter dancing with hula girls. Shot of Simon on a statue of an elephant.

SIMON (CONT’D)

Hey. Look at me. I’m an elephant rider. Eeh? Eeh?

Hula girl comes over to help him off.

Alice and Chris are sitting at the table, laughing at Simon.

CHRIS:

You know, my father suffered from depression.

ALICE:

Chris, Chris, I never knew that, Chris.

CHRIS:

Yep.

CUT TO:

27           EXT. CHRIS’ CHILDHOOD HOME  27

Chris has a flashback. He’s a kid, outside his house, fixing his bike.

CHRIS’S DAD:

Hello son.

He apathetically pats his son’s head as his son looks up, mezmorized at his hand.

CHRIS’S DAD (CONT’D)

Did you clean the house while your old man was at work today?

YOUNG CHRIS:

Yep.

CHRIS’S DAD:

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, good, good. Did you clean under the fridge?

YOUNG CHRIS:

Yep.

CHRIS’S DAD:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good, good. What about … the gun? Did you … give the gun a good cleaning?

YOUNG CHRIS:

Yep.

CHRIS’S DAD:

Good boy.

He does the head patting thing again. Chris’s dad then walks up to the house. On his way there his briefcase opens and all of his papers fall out. Chris’s dad just keeps on walking. He sighs, then opens the door to his house and in the background a dog is heard barking. Young Chris goes back to fixing his bike when he hears a GUNSHOT coming from inside the house.

CHRIS’S DAD (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Ow! Holy mother, my foot!

Another GUNSHOT.

CHRIS’S DAD (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Ow! My other foot!

Another GUNSHOT.

Flashback ends.

CUT TO:

28           INT. RESTAURANT           28

CHRIS:

Two hours later, he hit a vital organ and died.

ALICE:

(gasps) I never knew that, Chris.

Chris leans in to kiss her.

ALICE (CONT’D)

No. This is wrong. We’re scientists.

CHRIS:

OK.

ALICE:

(decides she wants to kiss) OK.

CHRIS:

OK.

They lean in to kiss.

ALICE:

No!

CHRIS:

OK.

ALICE:

(decides she wants to kiss again) OK.

CHRIS:

OK.

WAITER comes over with the bill.

MAI-TAI WAITER:

Excuse me, the bill?

ALICE:

I-I-I oh!

Alice runs off crying and knocking over anything in her path. Chris takes the bill.

CHRIS:

Thanks.

CUT TO:

29           DEPRESSION CLINIC – HALLWAY 29

Chris comes in with dark glasses on. He obviously has a bad hangover.

MARV:

Chris? Can you spare five minutes?

Chris takes off glasses. His eyes are red and squinted. He can barely talk.

CHRIS:

OK.

CUT TO:

30           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARD ROOM              30

Chris walks in to hear everyone LAUGHING.

CISCO:

But respectfully, shut the fuck up.

More LAUGHING.

Cisco turns around in his chair to face Chris.

CISCO (CONT’D)

You’re not a plate of croissants.

More LAUGHING.

CHRIS:

(confused) No, I’m not.

CISCO:

Well then can you get me something to eat before I chew my fucking hand off?

More LAUGHING.

Chris turns to leave.

DON:

No no no, uh, this is Dr. Chris Cooper, he’s the inventor of the drug.

CISCO:

(sarcastically) Thank you for inventing a marvelous drug. (Snort/Sigh)

DON:

This is Cisco. He’s head of marketing. We were just having a little jam session and we wondered what your thoughts were on orange.

CHRIS:

(thinks for a bit) For what?

CISCO:

The colour of the drug. Duh!

More LAUGHING.

CHRIS:

Oh, oh, well the colour of the drug in it’s unsynthesized state is kind of a blueish hue.

DON:

Great, so, uh, orange it is then?

Everyone in the room agrees.

DON (CONT’D)

Yeah? OK? Yeah, I think that’s good.

CISCO:

Could we get back to work?

CUT TO:

31           INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC – HALLWAY       31

Chris is walking slowly down the hall. He is worried about the drug.

ALICE:

Chris?

CHRIS:

(refering to the drug) It’s all happening so fast.

Alice thinks he is talking about their ‘relationship.’

ALICE:

Ok. I won’t call for a week.

CHRIS:

What?

ALICE:

I understand.

CHRIS:

(confused) Oh … good.

ALICE:

I-I, um, I, uh, I, um, uh…

CHRIS:

Something wrong?

ALICE:

No!

She runs away again, knocking over Mrs. Hurdicure.

 

 

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