1-Brain Candy

1             EXT. STREET – NIGHT      1

Nina Bedford music. A BUM presses his face up against a window, smiles. Lightning flashes. Turns around, begins to walk away from the window. Taxi cab drives up.

BUM:

Auuugh! (Hitting taxi)

CABBIE:

(Honking) Hey, hey, show some respect, you worthless piece of shit! BUM:

Smile! It’s free!

CABBIE (V.O.)

Okay, I am going to tell you a story now about how people, like that sad pathetic prick back there, found happiness. But it is not a happy story, okay? I mean, why do people think life should always be happy, you know? Because when I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song: it went like this: “Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over.” But for you, my friends, this story is just beginning.

Camera enters Suicide Club.

Music: Some Days It’s Dark.

CUT TO:

2             INT. SUICIDE CLUB          2

CROWD:

Grivo! Grivo! Grivo! Grivo! Grivo!

Music picks up as GRIVO comes on stage, makes grand entrance. He GRUNTS.

GRIVO: (Singing)

… Some days it’s dark. Some days I work. I work alone. I walk alooooone. I know.

GROUPIE 1 gives some sort of cigarette to GROUPIE 2, who crushes it into her wrist. MELANIE stares on, horrified and yet excited. Grivo continues singing in the background.

GRIVO (CONT’D)

Sweetness. Bring me… laughter. Or not.

MELANIE:

Oh my god! Wow!

Melanie starts dancing, copying the Groupie. Grivo GRUNTS.

DISSOLVE TO:

3             EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – WALLY’S HOUSE           3

Exterior shot of suburban housing tract.

CUT TO:

4             INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – WALLY’S HOUSE            4

Wally’s SON and DAUGHTER are watching TV, they look up as drum-heavy music is heard. Camera follows their look up through the ceiling into room above, where WALLY is enjoying himself with gay porn.

TV (V.O.)

There’s a fire! Mr. November: he’s hot! Mr. December: he likes it hot!

WALLY:

(Various disgusting grunts)

A click is heard as front door opens, Wally pours a liquid onto himself to simulate shower. Wally’s wife, Doreen, enters the house.

DOREEN:

Hi, kids. Where’s your father?

DAUGHTER:

He’s upstairs masturbating to gay porn.

DOREEN:

Again?

SON:

Yeah.

Wally enters wearing a bathrobe.

WALLY:

Hey, kids!

KIDS:

Hey, dad.

WALLY:

I was just, uh, taking a shower. Yup, just, uh, had myself a shower.

DOREEN:

Shower?

WALLY:

(Startled) Whoa! Honey, you’re home!

Wally embraces Doreen.

DOREEN:

Wally, you’re hurting me.

WALLY:

I’m just so glad you’re home.

CUT TO:

5             EXT. STREET – CITY          5

WHITE TRASH MAN, in Ricky’s Pest-Rid truck, is following a badly-dressed WHITE TRASH WOMAN.

WHITE TRASH MAN:

Baby, get in the vehicle, baby!

WHITE TRASH WOMAN:

I’m not gettin’ in the vehicle.

WHITE TRASH MAN:

Baby, this is my gift to you!

WHITE TRASH WOMAN:

What? Gift? That’s not a gift, you freakin’ stole this!

WHITE TRASH MAN:

I stole it to make it up to you, baby!

WHITE TRASH WOMAN:

Yeah, well tell me this: how can you sleep with my best friend, and then tell me about it?

WHITE TRASH MAN:

Sure I told you about it, baby, (steps out of the truck, revealing his small stature) but don’t shoot the messenger!

WHITE TRASH WOMAN:

(Pointing at her naughty bits) Well you can say goodbye to this!

WHITE TRASH MAN:

No, baby, no!

WHITE TRASH WOMAN:

Yeah, yes you can!

WHITE TRASH MAN:

Baby, I need it!

WHITE TRASH WOMAN:

Wave bye bye, baby, yeah!

WHITE TRASH MAN:

Come on, baby!

WHITE TRASH WOMAN:

Never no more, Romeo! I’ll see you in my dreams, you cheatin’, lyin’, back stabbing FREAK!

Camera pans upward and peers into the windows.

Camera pans to the left, past an old man, and closes on the German Guy.

6             INT. PYSCHIATRIST’S OFFICE       6

GUNTHER speaks to his PSYCHIATRIST. Subtitles accompany his speaking.

GUNTHER:

Es ist ausruhe eine schwartze grube in mir, desiecht mit allen meinen versterenden und singenden dest nichts aufult, as op antunug geid und rockerei die einsiger heirpunkt auf mein dunklen lebens wegen gewesen were. Und dafor habe ich angst.

(SUBTITLE) I have a black pit that rests inside of me… That fuels my all-consuming sense of nothingness… As if monotony and drudgery were the only compass points… On my dark walk through life.

PSYCHIATRIST:

I’m sorry, I don’t understand German.

GUNTHER: Scheist.

(SUBTITLE) The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry.

CUT TO:

7             INT. SUICIDE CLUB          7

GRIVO:

(Singing) Most days it’s dark. Whoa, whoa! I can’t go on. This is bullshit!

Crowd cheers, Grivo sneers, pushes over microphone; camera follows microphone as it falls, continues down through the ground.

8             INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC              8

The camera continues past a sign which says ‘Depression Project’. Lightning flashes; CHRIS is at the end of the hallway, inspecting an invisible board; he goes forward, then back, then we turn into the lab proper (on the right), dolly left past SIMON, holding a test tube and having a monkey on his shoulder, then BAXTER swishing a test tube and smoking, then ALICE who has a cookie in her mouth and is typing. As Alice goes out of shot, she puts her cookie down. We show the board; Chris is writing: = d+3 = happy. He drops the chalk, cries out in surprise and joy. Cut back to lab, everyone looks up. Follow Chris’s feet as he walks briskly into lab with a strange gait, then cut to a medium shot as he claps his hands together and says…

CHRIS: I think I just may have something.

CUT TO:

               9             INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC – INTERIOR ROOM         9

A very sad Patient 957, MRS. HURDICURE, sits; an outstretched hand holds a blue pill, which the camera follows as it approaches her mouth.

CHRIS:

Easy, easy patient 957 and open…

MRS. HURDICURE:

What will this do?

CHRIS:

Well, what it does is, reaches into your brain, chemically, and locates your happiest memory, chemically, and then locks onto that emotion and freezes it, chemically; and then, it keeps your happy happy.

BAXTER:

Chris, she’s depressed, not stupid.

ALICE:

Come on, just take it.

MRS HURDICURE:

All right.

She swallows the pill, and the camera follows it down her esophagus and into her stomach, where it dissolves in a shallow layer of liquid which also contains a fish, dentures, and an apple core. We then follow as the fizzing liquid drains, then to a crazy brain shot as strange sound effects are heard.

DISSOLVE TO:

               10           INT. MRS. HURDICURE’S HOUSE               10

We finally lock onto a clock which reads 10 till 2. People are knocking at the door.

MRS. HURDICURE:

Coming! Merry Christmas!

KIDS:

Presents!

RAYMOND:

Sorry we’re a few hours late there, ma, but you know how the kids hate old people.

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh, well, that’s all right, as long as we’re all together now, eh?

RAYMOND:

Yeah, that’s the important thing. So how’s your health there, ma? You doing okay?

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh, good, just a touch of the siadic…

KID:

You gave us these last year, stupid!

RAYMOND:

So, I hear dad’s dead.

MRS. HURDICURE:

Yeah.

RAYMOND:

Yeah, hey, is that eggnog over there?

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh go have yourself a glass, I gotta go check on the bird. I thought we’d have yams this year…

RAYMOND:

Uh-huh.

MRS. HURDICURE:

We bought ourselves a Butterball, cause remember last year’s was so dry. And Werta Reens says they’re the best…

Raymond drinks something alcoholic.

RAYMOND:

Gotta go. Come on, kids, in the car. Come on, let’s go. Yeah, sorry mom, we gotta go.

MRS. HURDICURE:

You’re off?

RAYMOND:

Hey, you got that gift for my mom?

RAYMOND’S WIFE:

Oh, yeah, merry Christmas, Mother Hurdicure.

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh! I wonder what that is?

RAYMOND’S WIFE:

It’s a harmonica.

They leave.

MRS. HURDICURE:

Well, see you next year! That was lovely!

Clock chimes.

CUT TO:

11           INT. DEPRESSION CLINIC – INTERIOR ROOM         11

We zap back to present. Mrs. Hurdicure looks rather happy.

ALICE:

Look, she’s smiling!

SIMON:

Oh, my. Oh, my.

Alice starts hyperventilating. Baxter does or says something.

CHRIS:

Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down!

SIMON:

All right!

CHRIS:

How do you feel, patient 957?

MRS. HURDICURE:

Oh, um, like a, like a fresh towel, drying on the line on a summer’s day. Oh! I, I feel like a, like a worm peekin’ it’s head out of the ground after a rainstorm and seein’ no robin. Oh-ha-ha ha! I feel like God’s rubbing my tummy! You know, I haven’t felt this happy since my son came to visit at Christmas!

CHRIS:

This could be it.

SIMON:

Well, it’s a strong maybe.

ALICE:

Well, it could be it is…

BAXTER:

This could be it.

CHRIS:

It might…

Behind the bunch, another GUY in a lab coat is seen.

JUST A GUY:

Jesus Christ! I think we’ve got it! Yeah!

They all turn and look at him.

CHRIS:

And who are you?

JUST A GUY:

Just a guy.

Uncomfortable silence; guy leaves.

CUT TO:

12           EXT. RORITOR BUILDING              12

Establishing shot.

CUT TO:

13           EXT. RORITOR BUILDING – WINDOW        13

MARV is looking out, holding Walkie Talkie.

CUT TO:

14           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – WINDOW        14

Marv is watching a helicopter making its approach.

PILOT (V.O.)

We’re commencing final approach.

MARV:

Any clue as to his mood today?

PILOT (V.O.)

I’m sorry, I can’t get a sense of his mood.

MARV:

Sock color?

PILOT (V.O.)

Red Socks.

Marv shouts down to a man at the bottom of the stairs.

MARV:

Red Socks, red socks!

PANICKY ASSISTANT:

(to himself) Red socks…

CUT TO:

15           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – HALLWAY/ELEVATOR 15

PANICKY ASSISTANT

Red socks, red socks!

People scurry. Some begin to roll up the blue carpet. Others bring out the red carpet and begin to unroll it.

PANICKY ASSISTANT (CONT’D)

Red socks! Okay, uh, le, let’s keep going, yes, let’s work together…

Elevator indicator is coming down from top.

PANICKY ASSISTANT (CONT’D)

Keep going, that’s very very good, c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon…

Elevator door opens, DON walks out, Don music begins; we only see his legs. He lifts up his pants to show that his socks match the carpet, then walks on; the camera follow & moves upward so we see his face. He walks into the boardroom; people say hi & such forth.

16           INT. RORITOR BUILDING – BOARDROOM               16

NATALIE:

Good morning, Don.

MARV:

Good morning, Don.

DON:

Uh, didn’t we say good morning yesterday, Marv?

Uncomfortable silence until Don smirks. Everyone begins laughing.

MARV:

Yeah, I guess we did, Don.

NATALIE:

Don, how did the Board of Directors meeting go?

Deep rumbling noise.

DON:

Can I… have the room for a minute?

MARV:

Everybody out!

All leave, Marv gives awesome look before closing door.

DON:

My empire is CRUMBLING!!!! Uh, right, everyone back in.

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